Bruce had the biopsies done and then we waited. I sat almost immobile in my fear and wondered if he would be staring down death. We were too young for this, surely, 29 is not old, but cancer does not discriminate by age. I prayed that we would be spared and that everything was fine. That his tiredness and lack of focus was just from overworking. The moment when the call came there was relief and then pure terror. Fear, unlike anything I had ever felt before. I can not tell you how my husband felt. I will not speak for him. Everything I share is my part of the story. My truth, my emotions, and my views. This is one of my biggest life challenges. The big, the bad, and the ugly one.
He did not have cancer, but if not cancer, then what? A question that was never answered. There was no clear diagnoses. Just the fact that there were five nodules on his thyroid and his body was shutting down. His thyroid would have elevated levels, normal levels, low levels. The readings were all over the place and it was taking a very heavy toll on him. His body stopped making norepinephrine and his levels were dangerously low. My go getter, my unstoppable force of action had been stopped.
Over the next 18 months, I watched as the man I fell in love with disappear. There were days when he simply could not get out of bed, medications that made him act as though he was intoxicated (most of this time period he simply can not remember), and drug interactions that would have put him into a coma had I not figured it out. There were doctor appointments, throat scopes, medications, more appointments, ultrasounds, and more medications. There was never an answer.
There were many moments when it felt as though he had died, but his body remained to mock me of what was lost. I was heartbroken and scared. There were no conversations, deep or otherwise, he told no jokes and I missed the sound of his laughter, of his voice, often. It was as if he forgot that we were there and that he loved us. My children stopped trying to wake him up, stopped turning to him, and relied solely on me. I was tired and lonely. Trying to raise my young children, nurse my new baby, and care for the man I love. I soon found myself lost. Bitter. Frustrated. So very angry. All. The. Time.
That year was ugly, difficult and dark with one of the only moments of joy being the birth of our healthy son. We lost so much. He lost his job during this time. We used our savings to survive and when that was gone we sold everything of value to pay the bills. Cars, furniture, knick knacks. I often wondered if we would end up homeless and at one point we were, but we were blessed enough to have family who caught us as we fell. I prayed all the time. I talked to God under my breath constantly. I cried, plead, and bartered, but it was not until I listened that things started to change.
I share this in hopes that you will understand that you are not alone in whatever big, bad, and ugly trial that life is throwing at you. You can find bounty. Leave me a comment if you have thoughts you want to share!